Relationship: What I wish I had known before I lost my virginity - By Shade Haruna
I’m at a house party, upstairs in a bedroom with a guy I’ve fancied for ages. He gently closes the door and smiles at me, and I know: tonight is the night I’m going to lose my virginity.
I was 17 and I wasn’t desperate to ‘pop my cherry’ (and ew, that phrase is vile) so much as start having sex.
Why orgasms are totally overrated
I suspected that a world of sexual pleasure existed just beyond my grasp and if I could just lose my pesky virginity then I could revel in its carnal delights.
However, as my crush took my hand and led me to the bed, all I could think about was what I didn’t know.
Was this going to hurt? Should I put towels down? I had recently shaved my pubic hair, but what if it wasn’t the right shape?
No amount of porn or Judy Blume novels can truly prepare you for the first time you have sex; here are some of things I really wish I had known.
1. It’s OK if you’re not in love
I lost my virginity to a kind, funny and attractive man (he was also older than me, which was mega hot).
Did I love him? I did not, and he didn’t love me either.
It didn’t make my first time any less pleasurable. I felt safe, calm and cared for, and that was enough.
(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)
2. You’ll work out what to do
First times aren’t always American Pie-style awkward calamities.
Call it instinct, call it biology, but as it turned out, I was a bit of a natural.
3. You can, ahem, pull out at any time
Even if your/their tip is a little bit inside, you can say no and stop. If your/their tip is fully inside, you can say no, and stop.
Losing your virginity isn’t an ‘I’ve-started-so-I’ll-finish’ type of deal. The important thing is that you feel comfortable and ready.
MORE: Guys spill the beans on how they lost their virginity
4. It won’t be a bloodbath
You might not bleed at all (I didn’t) or you may only bleed a bit, but whatever the amount, you don’t need to fashion a nest of sanitary pads before you get down to business)
5. Sex is more than penetration
Before I had sex, I thought a good finger bang or a well-executed blowjob to be the height of intimacy. Sex, sex-sex, was something else entirely: lacy lingerie, multiple orgasms and certainly penetration.
It was only after I lost my virginity and started having regular sex that I realised that while sex is great, and everything is great, the two together are a perfect union of orgasmic Nirvana.
Sex is whatever you want it to be and you get to enjoy it all.
6. Lube… just lube
I wish I had known about lube before losing my virginity.
That’s all. I just wish I had known it existed.
7. You might not come
On your first time, there’s a high chance neither you nor your partner will come. I don’t recall any life-changing climax.
This does not reflect on either of you as a lover (unless one of you is getting it really, really wrong) – simply that there is so much else to think about on your first outing that coming is quite low down the list.
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8. You are allowed to laugh
Unless you are into some particularly novel and joyless fetish (and no judgement), sex is supposed to be fun.
We should giggle your way through coitus. Who decided we had to limit ourselves to the sounds and expressions in bad 80s porn?
9. It’s not about length – in every sense
Sadly, women are conditioned to think that sex is only good when it a) lasts for hours and is b) with a well-endowed Adonis.
My first time lasted 20 minutes with a fine but not record-breaking man and the whole thing was great.
I have had loads of sex since – all in the name of research, you understand – and I can confirm that size is not important; a penis is not necessarily important and there is nothing quite like a three-minute quickie on the sofa.
